What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize