I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
