Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
