I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i now understand why vodka
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
