3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
