I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
