he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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