Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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