Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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