Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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