I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize