I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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