I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
