i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
