sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
