I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
