I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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