She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize