I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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