apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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