so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
