The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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