That's intense
I checked into jail on foursquare
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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