I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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