I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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