Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
