i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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