I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
