You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize