i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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