there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
