Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
