I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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