You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
