you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
