forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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