Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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