I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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