You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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