so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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