Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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