I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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