my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
