last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
A bitchslap is in order.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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