I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
