Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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