Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
