By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
