I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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