You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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