So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
