Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
