I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize