I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize