You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
