I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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