she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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