I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
