we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
