im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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