I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
