She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Everyone says I win the strip club
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
