I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
