He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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