I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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