My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Randomize
