Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize