What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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