she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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