i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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